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Strategies for Successful Stepparenting
by Joe Pritchard
W e returned from our weekend honeymoon to find the house unlocked and the windows wide open, the TV on, the dogs locked in the basement and an army of ants attacking a half-eaten peanut-butter sandwich on the kitchen counter. And, a note.
Mom/Dad: Gone to the mall. Be back around nine.
Love, Shannon & Jamie
I turned to my bride and smiled. "They called me Dad. Has a nice ring to it."
"They're just buttering you up, part of the honeymoon phase."
Meanwhile, her dogs were yelping and scratching. I opened the basement door and.
"Stepfatherhood has a distinct smell to it," I groaned, wondering how much deeper it could get. Little did I know.. With two stepdaughters, two female stepdogs and one fiery wife, my honeymoon was about to come to an abrupt end.
A week later, we were on our way home from the mall, the girls angry at me for ending their excursion early. I was driving when Shannon, my fifteen-year-old stepdaughter, dropped the bomb on me.
"Why did we have to leave? I was talking to my friends and.."
"It's late. Your mother and I have to work tomorrow," I replied.
"It's not fair! I told you John could bring me home."
"And I told you.." My patience was waning.
Round and round we went. Shannon spouting off, me firing back, Mom caught in the crossfire, Jamie, my 14-year-old stepdaughter, playing both sides. Then it happened.
"You're not my father!" Shannon fired the ultimate shot.
 Every seventh marriage performed
in America is the third time around
for mom, or dad, or both.
I was dumbfounded, caught completely off guard and backed into a corner. I fired back—a verbal barrage that stopped the argument dead in its tracks. I'd definitely won the battle alright. Unfortunately, I was destined to discover my cutting words started a cold war, my name going from Dad to derelict to darn that man. Here I was, a 15-year veteran in the mental health trenches with the toughest kids in the state, and I couldn't even handle my two teenage stepdaughters. Our home became a battle zone.
Stepfamily Stats
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A stepfamily is born every 90 seconds.
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Fifty-five percent of North Americans today have been or will be part of a stepfamily during their lives.
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It takes the average stepfamily seven years to fully adjust to blended family living.
- Sixty percent of all remarriages fail, usually within the first three years. Every seventh marriage performed in America is the third time around for mom, or dad, or both.
- By 2010, projections suggest there will be more stepfamilies in our society than nuclear families.
A stepparent is thrust into the challenge of his life, the odds stacked against him, the stakes high as kids' lives are pushed to the forefront. Without help, another failed marriage looms large.
Why is stepparenting so difficult? What can a step-family do to combat the blended family battles and blues?
Stepparenting Stressors
Grief/Loss. Most re-marriages follow traumatic endings. Often times, kids are caught in the crossfire of divorcing parents. Once separated and divorced, both the kids and the parents are left with a sense of loss. Emotional and spiritual healing take time, as much as three to five years.
When Mom and/or Dad remarries and the kids have not fully come to terms with their grief/loss issues from the divorce, the kids wind up on an emotional roller coaster.
In many cases prior to the re-marriage, the kids keep their fantasy alive that Mom and Dad will reunite. When that doesn't happen and a stepparent is thrown into the mix, the kids suffer another loss. All too often, that hurt and feelings of loss show up through acting out, angry behavior, depression or fear.
It's not unusual for stepkids to behave like angels towards the stepparent during the dating phase, only to turn hostile and distant after the wedding/honeymoon. If not careful, the stepparent who reacts with anger can wind up in a power struggle and backed into a corner.
Other kids respond by becoming withdrawn and depressed, unable to accept the loss of their mom and dad not reuniting. Often times, they're unable to cope with the fear that they may lose another parent to the new step mom or step dad who has invaded their home. When scared, kids are faced with a fight or flight response, thus you, the stepparent, may be the unsuspecting recipient of stepkids who either challenge your every move, or ignore you as if you didn't exist.
Who's in Charge? Perhaps the most difficult challenge stepparents face is the issue of discipline. In most cases, it doesn't take long for the stepkids to test the parental control waters. Stepparents often feel like they are in a no-win situation. If they try to discipline the stepchild, they're perceived as the bad guy. If, however, they do not discipline the child, the stepparent runs the risk of being run over by all the kids in the household.
All too often, the biological parent is caught in the middle of the discipline game and tries to please both parties, only to cause more damage. In many cases, the biological parent serves as a referee between her kids and her new spouse, who is often overwhelmed with stepkids thinking they're running the show.
Stepparents who move into their
spouse's home often feel like they've
lost some sense of ownership.
Another discipline issue that causes strife is the different sets of rules the kids are expected to follow from one household to the next. What may be taboo in the primary home is ignored when the stepkids spend weekends or other custodial days with the non-custodial, biological parent.
What may have taken weeks to finally enforce in the primary home can be quickly undone in the course of one two-day visitation.
Loyalty Issues. As stepkids adjust to the blended family arrangement, they often feel confused about their loyalty to their non-custodial parent. Girls can have a difficult time with a new man around the house, especially if their relationship with their biological father is a positive one. They may feel guilty for liking step dad and not know how to handle such feelings, opting instead to sabotage the relationship with stepdad in order to feel loyal towards biological dad.
Where are my socks? Although trivial sounding compared to the aforementioned stressors, stepparents who move into their spouse's home often feel like they've lost some sense of ownership. And it goes without saying that as socks and shirts and boxers turn up missing, frustration sets in, adding fuel to the already heightened blended family fires.
"Losing socks and jockey shorts was one thing," recalls one stepfather. "Coming home to find my 20-year music collection taped over by my teenage stepdaughters was another. They couldn't understand that I'd taken hours to make those tapes, and I no longer had the albums to go back and do it again. What hurt was the fact that they didn't seem to care."
In addition to losing belongings, stepparents may feel lost living with stepkids, and a spouse for that matter, who doesn't value orderliness and neatness.
 Continued on Page Two
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