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Are Recovered Memories Valid?
by Bruce Narramore Ph.D.
W hen people say that repressed memories of past experiences, such as sexual abuse from early childhood, come to conscious memory, many wonder if this is possible and are these memories real or imagined? As a counselor, without knowing a client personally, one cannot determine whether a particular person's memories are real or imagined. However, here are a few guidelines that I believe apply to most situations.
First, I have absolutely no doubt that many people repress traumatic and painful childhood experiences for many years and only remember them much later in life.
Second, I also have no doubt that some people imagine or make up supposed repressed memories.
Third, unfortunately, some counselors seem to find childhood abuse behind most personal problems and suggest to patients that they were abused. This is very poor counseling.
Fourth, a competent therapist takes considerable time, if and when a patient begins to have some apparent memories, to find out if they are real, and doesn't jump to quick conclusions. Instead, they wait, and listen carefully until there is sufficient clinical evidence to determine whether the memories are based on reality or if they are imagined. A good therapist makes these judgments based on the way clients share information, the emotions they have in the process, the details they remember, and the congruence of these factors.
Fifth, furthermore, I have never known a perpetrator of childhood sexual abuse who, when first confronted, admitted the act. In fact, most continue to deny it and many can be incredibly convincing in their denials. This applies to Christians who have abused children (and unfortunately there are many-including some "Christian leaders").
 Unfortunately, some counselors
seem to find childhood abuse behind
most personal problems and suggest
to patients that they were abused.
This is very poor counseling.
Sixth, when an adult child is sure they have been abused and the perpetrator will not admit it, it certainly seems appropriate to break off contact with that person—or at least to significantly diminish it. For example, if you knew that someone sexually abused your daughter, would you think that she should continue in a relationship with that person? I think not!
Seventh, if a child is abused within a Christian family, it generally has a massive impact on their spiritual life. Since the abuser claimed to represent God, it is only natural that the child feels betrayed, unprotected, angry, and disillusioned.
Eighth, if a mother has knowingly or unknowingly ignored signs of the abuse by her husband, or doesn't take the daughter seriously, understandably the daughter feels betrayed by her mother as well. This puts the mother in an extremely difficult situation since she wants to be loyal, loving, and caring toward both her husband and her daughter.
Ninth, in light of the above, it is wise for any parent to take their daughter's accusations seriously. Listen to her very carefully and NEVER defend your husband because the fact is, you do not know. Instead, tell your daughter that you are shocked and that you are very upset. Because you love her deeply and want to trust her, it is important that you don't deny that this happened since you don't know. On the other hand, you have never thought of your husband as anyone who would be abusive, and because he claims he wasn't, you are in a very awkward position.
Assure your daughter that you will do anything you can to be helpful—including going to counseling with her, or separately with your husband if her therapist thinks that would be helpful at some point.
In terms of your husband—assuming this is your belief—tell him something like the following: "I can't comprehend your doing something like this, but I also have trouble believing our daughter is making this all up. If you did it, I want to encourage you to face it and be completely honest with me and our daughter. If you tell me you didn't do this, I will still wonder until our daughter gets through this one way or another." It will be helpful to neither accuse him nor be convinced by his denial. This is very difficult, but it is important to do so, as you don't want to live without knowing for sure-perhaps for the rest of your life.
Tenth, whether or not your daughter was abused, she needs competent therapy, because for some reason she is in a great deal of pain. In my experience, it is a long road to recovery in either case, and she will need your support and encouragement.
I wish I could give simple answers and offer a relatively quick fix. Unfortunately these wounds, whether real or imagined, take a long time to heal. In the meantime, do everything you can to encourage and support your daughter, listen to her, cry with her, empathize with her, and pray that through this difficult time, God will show her who He really is in order to clear up any distortions or hurts from her past experiences.
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