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Discipline or Child Abuse?
by Bruce Narramore, Ph.D.
S hould a crying child be spanked? Unfortunately, some parents think so. One mother was rightfully concerned about her son's child who got on his father's nerves. When his six-month-old baby cries, he spanks him and tells him to be quiet. He won't allow as much as a fuss or a pout without spanking him, and many times he spanks him four or five times in a row.
When we see an adult throwing a tantrum, pouting, or crying inappropriately, we probably think, He's acting like a baby. And he is. But when it comes to babies, they are supposed to act like babies because that's what they are! They don't have the ability to communicate through words so they express many of their unmet needs through crying. Spanking a baby for expressing his needs or feelings through crying is not only insensitive and hurtful, it is child abuse. If it is reported, parents who treat a child in this way might well be removed from their child's home.
Instead of spanking an infant, we need to learn to decode our babies' wordless communications. We need to understand what it is they need. Are they hungry, wet, dirty, or cold? Do they have an upset stomach? Are they frightened or feeling isolated and abandoned? Once we figure out what they need, we can usually do something to eliminate or soothe their crying.The Bible tells us God comforts His children the way a mother comforts hers. Parents should be their infants' protectors and comforters, not their abusers.
Spankings—when they are necessary—should be reserved for children who are old enough to understand their meaning, and then only if other methods of discipline are not available. We should never spank out of frustration or anger, for this is punishment, not discipline. Punishment done from anger reflects the parent's inability to control his own feelings and to lovingly, yet firmly discipline his child.
 Instead of spanking an infant,
we need to learn to decode our
babies'wordless communications.
I have found that a slight spat on the hand or bottom can be occasionally helpful for a child from about a year of age to four or five. After that, there are usually much more effective means of discipline But even if we occasionally spank a child, we should never spank when we are angry and never severely or repeatedly. Repeated spankings are a sure sign the parent needs help and are very likely to be abusive.
Another question to ask about impatient parents. Why is it that babies so easily get on their nerves? Why are they insensitive to the needs and feelings of their own children? And why don't they seem to be bothered by their mistreatment of their children? Such can be an indication of a serious problem.
True, crying can get on anyone's nerves, but some parents are frankly too self-absorbed or emotionally insensitive to tune into the needs of others, even to a helpless baby. Parents like this have usually not learned to be comfortable with their own emotions, especially their more needy, childlike desires and feelings. Their anger and irritation often masks their own feelings of helplessness, neediness or hurt. Since they are not in touch with their own emotional needs, they don't know how to be sensitive to others. In a nutshell, they don't know how to open up in their own personal/emotional lives in order to give and receive love.
In these cases, the problem usually extends well beyond insensitivity and abusiveness of their child to their relationship with their spouse and others. They may also have a lot of pent-up anger that has never been dealt with or resolved. Where this is true, it is strongly recommended that the parent finds a qualified Christian counselor who can help him or her deal with their own emotional needs and hurts. If they don't, this pattern can wreak spiritual and emotional havoc in their family.
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