Preadolescent Hypersensitivity
Page Two
John and Carol worked at this as their children were approaching adolescence. Even though Carol took a job selling real estate to supplement their family income, she arranged her schedule so that she could be home when the children returned from school at 3:00, and she limited her evening work to a maximum of two nights weekly. The whole family managed to have breakfast together most mornings and they regularly had supper between 5:30 and 6:00. On the nights Carol worked, John was always home. By coordinating their schedules, John and Carol were able to offer their children both the security of a regular routine and an available, non-preoccupied parent every evening. This let the children know that John and Carol intended to be readily available for them during their crucial adolescent years.
Although your emotional stability and availability are more important than a rigid schedule, a reliable family routine goes a long way toward offering adolescents a trustworthy place of security and support. By middle adolescence, your sons and daughters may prefer to ignore your family routines for their own activities, but it helps them greatly to know just when and where you will be in case they need you!
Learn to Handle Hypersensitivity
Eleven-year-old Janet had an extra dose of preadolescent sensitivity. If her older sister got anything she didn't get, Janet pouted and cried, "Unfair!" When her mother asked her to do anything around the house, Janet indignantly claimed she had already done more than her share. When a boy showed the slightest interest in her, Janet was on Cloud Nine. And when the smallest thing went wrong, Janet hit the pits.
Unfortunately, Janet's mother wasn't much better. She was excited and energetic when her business went well, but hit the skids when things turned tough. She set rigid limits for her children one day and dropped them the next. And she reacted to Janet's pouting by throwing up her hands and moaning, "What do you want me to do?" In many ways she was as inconsistent and emotionally out of control as her daughter.
When your preadolescent is in the middle of an emotional outburst of crying or frustration, don't jump into the middle of it and tell her to stop or assure her that "everything will be fine." When a twelve-year-old girl is upset, no amount of reassurance will convince her she should feel otherwise. For her, every upset seems like the end of the world.
First, just listen. Allow her to express her anger, hurt, or depression. Let her know by your sensitive listening that you care. But whatever you do, do not tell her, "Mother understands!" That will probably make her scream. As a budding young adult who wants to become different from her mom, she may not want you to understand! Besides, telling her you understand makes her feel a bit like a baby whose mother kisses the hurt to make it better. But she no longer wants to be your baby! The Bible offers excellent advice for times like these. It says we should be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Unfortunately, some of us tend to be quick to speak, quick to anger, and slow to listen!
 The emotions of late preadolescents
and early adolescents are highly volatile
and need to be treated sensitively.
If you really want to understand your upset preadolescents, you will learn to listen quietly until they have spewed out their anger, or confusion, or tears. Then (and only then) you may be able to offer a few words of encouragement or hope. Sometimes a silent hug is all they need. And sometimes the best thing to say is, "I'm really sorry, honey. I know it's hard. If there's anything I can do, please let me know." Later you may be able to go out together for a drive or get your daughter involved in something that will take her mind off her hurt. And after a day or so, you may be able to talk it over with her. But don't push in too quickly.
The emotions of late preadolescents and early adolescents are highly volatile and need to be treated sensitively. Your sons and daughters need the space to be different from you and the right to be upset if they want to. Young children may be told, "Don't act that way!" (even though that's not the best way to talk to young children either). But tell that to your preadolescents and they will probably only become more upset. Sometimes they just want to be left alone for awhile or allowed to wade through their negative emotions without your interruptions or advice. This is another sign that they are differentiating themselves from you and wanting to have their thoughts and emotions according to their schedules, not yours.
You can also help budding adolescents with their emotional upheaval by not only listening to what they are saying, but to what they are feeling but leaving unsaid. The Bible says that as God's children, "We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. But we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are ...." (Hebrews 4:15). As earthly parents, we too need to hear their underlying hurts or fears and sympathize with them. For example, you might say, "That must really be discouraging," "That must really make you angry," or "Are you feeling sad, honey?" Preadolescents crave sensitive parents who understand their upsets and confusion, not simply their surface problems. And when we share our sensitivity to their thoughts and feelings, they gain encouragement and strength to move more confidently toward adulthood.
Dr. Vern Lewis, Ph.D. is a retired Christian psychologist, specializing in adolescence and human development. He is professor emeritus of Rosemead School of Psychology and Biola University.
Bruce Narramore, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, a professor at the Rosemead School of Psychology, Biola University, and President of the Narramore Christian Foundation. Dr. Narramore is an author of nine books including Help I'm a Parent and co-author of The Integration of Psychology and Theology: An Introduction . These books can be purchased online at: www.ncfliving.com/store
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