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Understanding and Resolving Sexual Compulsions
by Nils C. Friberg, Ph.D.
T wenty-seven-year-old Joe long ago discovered that he could temporarily alleviate his feelings of disappointment, loneliness, or pain over criticism by masturbating while looking at pornography. Now masturbation and pornography dominate and drive Joe’s life. Every day he spends time planning how he is going to find time, places, and opportunities to indulge his secret sexual activities. Joe’s desire for a temporary sexual high has taken over his life. Although he struggles with his conscience, the powerful force of his compulsions overrides his better judgment. He knows he is in trouble but is too ashamed to ask for help.
Thirty-year-old Jane has found that she can medicate her feelings of being inadequate and unlovable by aggressive flirting. She puts in long hours on internet chat lines and occasionally agrees to go to a motel with a co-worker. In spite of the risks she is taking (including potentially exposing herself to sexually transmitted disease, physical abuse, and other drastic consequences), she continues her dangerous and unfulfilling lifestyle. Like Joe, Jane is experiencing an internal war between her better judgment and her sexual compulsion. Her compulsion is winning out. Even though she is miserable, she can’t seem to stop.
People struggling with sexual compulsions like Joe and Jane feel out of control, yet rarely ask for help because they feel so ashamed. They are caught in a vicious cycle.
- Feeling unhappy, bored or unfulfilled, they turn to sexual experiences to gain temporary relief.
- Since the sexual experiences are unfulfilling, they are left feeling unhappy but now carry additional shame or guilt.
- These feelings drive them back to the only relief they know—another brief sexual encounter—and the cycle goes around again.
Christians struggling with this cycle often pray repeatedly for release. When it doesn’t come, they feel even worse. In fact, their feelings of condemnation and shame may actually drive them back to their sexual activities, since sex is the most potent drug they know to briefly alleviate these painful emotions.
Most people with sexual compulsions have problems with emotional intimacy. Brief physical encounters have taken over for the deeply satisfying, but sometimes hard work, of establishing intimate peer relationships. One well-known addictionologist, Greg Nakken, said it well: “Sexual addicts substitute intensity for intimacy. They substitute the intensity of a temporary, artificially induced high for the normal but longer-term effort needed to achieve true intimacy that includes knowing and being known by friends or spouses.”1
 Brief physical encounters have
taken over for the deeply
satisfying, but sometimes hard
work, of establishing intimate
peer relationships.
This booklet is about people like Joe and Jane. Perhaps it is also about you or someone you know or love. Read on to see if there is a way to understand the problem and find lasting help. We have prepared this material knowing that an article posted on the Internet can be accessed without embarrassment. Once you understand what you’re dealing with, you will feel less alone and desperate. There are people who care about your struggle and help is available. Stay with us and let’s see if hope can be restored for you.
If you are a Christian, this material can help you deal with your spiritual despair as well as the roots of your addiction. There are significant spiritual issues involved in sexual addiction, but they may not be the ones you expect. We’ll take a look at these issues later in the booklet.
Our Culture Doesn’t Help
We live in a culture that constantly tries to subvert satisfying long-term commitments. When we feel badly about ourselves for any reason, we are assured that we can find instantaneous relief. Headache? Heartburn? Bad day? There’s a pill, potion, or activity for everything. We are encouraged to exploit the moment and persons around us for our gratification. Media accompany so many ads with sexual innuendo that sexuality is portrayed as a mood reliever and persons are transformed into sexual objects. Sex is presented as the ultimate experience that brings personal satisfaction—a commodity that offers immediate release.
A beer ad shows several men encamped at a riverside on a fishing trip. As they open their six packs, suddenly a group of gorgeous, provocatively dressed women parachute into their camp. “It doesn’t get any better than this!” says the narrator. One can hardly miss the mood-altering mix of chemicals and sex in this ad. We are promised instant gratification.
Too many people believe this type of promise will be fulfilled. We think that committed love and respect is impossible or is lacking in excitement. The meaningfully intimate sexual expression God planned for marriage is turned into a commodity or a temporary pain reliever and real relationships are lost.
Are Sexual Compulsions Addictions?
The binding cycle of sexual compulsions has led many experts to label them as addictions, much like drug addictions. Others hesitate to use the label addiction because it implies an actual physical dependency. They are concerned that the label excuses people who are simply making bad choices. The truth is somewhere in between. People who are caught up in sexual compulsions have certainly made poor choices. They are also, however, driven by deep emotional needs and wounds and they have found that sexuality brings temporary relief. Yet once they develop a pattern of turning to sexual experiences to relieve emotional pain, they can become physiologically addicted.
 Continued on Page Two
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