Understanding Narcissism
Page Three
Ironically, the self-centered relational style of most narcissists is apparent to almost everyone who knows them, but not to themselves. Craig, for example, was absolutely certain that his ex-wife, father, and every friend who dared to have a different opinion about his lifestyle or the welfare of his children was the problem. He “knew” he was right and everyone else was at fault. What he needed was a new wife, new parents, new friends, and a new job—not a different attitude! It usually takes a series of conflicts or failures at work or home before the narcissist considers the possibility of seeking help.
Jim, the regional sales manager who had troubles at church and home, finally sought out a counselor after repeated problems relating to various people. He asked his counselor the questions that plague many people with narcissist personalities: “Why doesn’t my wife appreciate everything I do for her?” “Why can’t I make lasting friendships?” “Why can’t others accept and appreciate me for who I am?” and “Why do I feel isolated and lonely—even in groups?” The answers to these questions comes as we gain understanding
of how and why the narcissist experiences life and thinks and feels the way he does.
The Dynamics of Narcissism
The underlying skeleton holding the narcissist’s personality together is a fragile self-esteem that fears abandonment. Attempting to ward off painful fears of aloneness or shame by developing an idealized view of himself, the narcissist thinks everyone should admire him. When others don’t share his unrealistic self-perception he turns on them in anger, or devalues them in order to protect his idealized view of himself.
Some individuals with narcissistic personality disorders have a difficult time adjusting to the limitations inherent in aging. Since narcissistic personality traits are a bit more accepted in the marketplace when a person is young and on the way up in his or her field, narcissists can sometimes manage reasonably well, except in intimate relationships. But as they age, the problems become clearer.
Causes of Narcissism
What might cause someone to become so self-centered?
From earliest childhood each of us struggles to develop a realistic set of attitudes and feelings toward ourselves and others. We are born with a wonderful God-given potential to become unique individuals who can love and be loved and make our own contribution to the world. We have the potential to become the real self (or the healthy person) that God created us to be. But to grow into this kind of person we need certain childhood experiences. Our awareness of our own unique abilities and needs, for example, only develops gradually as our parents and others close to us recognize our God-given gifts and are sensitive to our God-given needs.
 In seeking constant admiration,
the narcissist looks to everyone else to
prop up his unrealistic self-image.
Good parents sense their children’s emotional, spiritual and physical needs and respond helpfully. They recognize their children’s unique ways of being and value those distinctives. And they allow their children to grow up and develop their own individual identities as separate people rather than trying to force them into their mold or make their children meet the parents’ needs.
How well we develop our God-given self determines to a large degree whether we will become emotionally healthy individuals or suffer from narcissistic or other adjustment disorders. For some reason, the potentially narcissistic person fails to develop his true God-given self and shifts his energies into becoming the kind of person he thinks he must be in order to feel good about himself—someone that everyone will admire. Instead, of becoming the person God created him to be—with strengths and weaknesses like the rest of us, he can only feel good about himself when his false grandiose perfect self is being affirmed.
But in seeking constant admiration, the narcissist looks to everyone else to prop up his unrealistic self-image. In the process he obliterates the boundaries between himself and others. He expects others to live for him and to affirm his unrealistic self rather than be the distinct people God called him to be. He uses others rather than loves them. He does this to ward off his deep fears of abandonment, shame, sadness, and depression.
Narcissistic traits can develop from several different types of early life experiences, but they all have one thing in common. They all undermine the child’s acceptance of his true, God-given self. Parents who pamper a child by always giving him his way, who neglect a child, or are so needy or intrusive that they repeatedly force the child to meet these needs, can all lead to narcissism. Permissiveness and pampering tend to program children with undeserved feelings of entitlement or superiority. These children don’t learn humility and respect for others because their parents haven’t set limits and modeled mutual respect.
 Continued on Page Four
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