Overcoming Codependency
Page Two
This article will help you understand Martha, Joe, and Don, and millions of people much like them. In fact, most of us probably struggle with a few tendencies common to codependent people.
Understanding codependency
Leaders in the codependency movement have been unable to arrive at one mutually acceptable definition of codependency. Each person brings a slightly different understanding. They all would probably agree, however, that people with several of these patterns have a codependent lifestyle:
- Excessive dependence on things or people outside oneself
- Accepting responsibility for others' feelings or actions
- Constantly trying to please others
- Letting others dominate or abuse you
- Neglecting one's own needs
- Having difficulty knowing one's own feelings and wishes
- A weak sense of personal identity and loss of touch with one's real self
- Difficulty setting realistic personal boundaries
- Difficulty admitting that you are in a dysfunctional relationship
- Excessive efforts to control or change one's environment or people in it
- Frequently feeling resentful
- Being very fearful of rejection, or being left alone
- Relationship problems growing out of a weak sense of self, excessive dependency, and efforts to control, change, or please others.
As you see from these descriptions of codependency, nearly everyone has at least a couple of these symptoms. Most of us struggle occasionally with our identity or with wanting to control others or with setting boundaries or trying to please. The almost universal presence of a few of these symptoms have led some people to question the helpfulness of the label "codependent." But codependents don't just struggle with a couple of these occasionally. They consistently rely on a codependent style as their basic way of relating to themselves and others.
I suggest you apply the information about codependency in a thoughtful, personalized manner. There is no "one-size-fits-all" codependency that fits everyone. If the label "codependent" helps you observe these dynamics and find ways of overcoming them, then the label will be useful for you. Many people have found the label helpful in better understanding how and why they relate in these kinds of dysfunctional ways.
Let's look at several of these in more depth.
Excessive dependency on external cues
Codependent people are fearful of being abandoned, ignored, or shamed, so they continually look to others or things outside of themselves for cues to tell them what they should be like or what they need to do. Although sensitivity to others can be a wonderful trait, codependents take it to an extreme.
They become absorbed with adjusting to the cues that others give about their desires and wishes. Joe, for example, has become an expert at blending himself into his surroundings in this manner. But, in the process, he loses touch with his own thoughts and desires and ends up feeling empty, incomplete, or merely an extension of others. That is the next main symptom of codependency.
 Internal boundaries enable us
to draw a line of distinction and
responsibility between our own
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
and those of others.
Disconnection from many of one's inner
thoughts, feelings, and needs
Because codependents are so focused on pleasing or helping others, they tend to lose touch with their own desires and thoughts and feelings. They have learned to protect themselves by disconnecting from significant portions of their inner emotional life. Inwardly, they don't feel strong, settled, and confident. This is because they struggle with their basic sense of self. Consequently, they have a hard time knowing what they want. They fear facing themselves truthfully and risking being true to their own feelings and judgments. When they are aware of emotions, what often comes to the surface are painful feelings of emptiness, shame, and anger rather than their healthy desires and potential for good judgments. Those are hidden behind their fear, guilt, and shame.
Confusion over boundaries
Since they are so concerned with what others expect and are out of touch with their own needs, it is not surprising that codependents are confused about their boundaries. Boundaries are the physical, mental, and emotional limits that set us apart from other people. Internal boundaries enable us to draw a line of distinction and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and those of others. Healthy people take responsibility for their own emotions and actions, but codependents often feel responsible for the thoughts and actions of others.
Remember Don? He dislikes spending every vacation with his in-laws but is afraid to honestly tell his wife how he feels. Don is afraid to set a boundary, but he isn't happy about it. In fact, he inwardly blames his wife for not being more sensitive or considerate of his needs. But since Don isn't being clear about his own needs, how can she know? Instead of waiting for his anger to build up, Don could simply sit down with his wife and express his own needs and seek a way of spending vacations that would be acceptable to both of them. His wife might not like it initially, and she might become angry. But if their relationship is going to grow more healthy and mature, both Don and his wife need to learn to be honest with each other and find some mutually agreeable compromises when they differ. This will never happen unless Don sets a boundary by expressing his needs.
External boundaries enable us to set limits on how we allow others to treat us. Codependents often allow others to hurt or abuse them or talk them into taking on too many responsibilities or activities because they are afraid to say no. This inability has been described like being in a room where the doorknob is on the outside of the door and the codependent is on the inside, powerless to set any protective limits. Anyone who wants to, can come in.
Martha puts up with her alcoholic husband's verbal and sometimes physical abuse during his bouts of drinking because she is confused over her own right to set limits on what she will tolerate. Although she knows she shouldn't be treated abusively, she doesn't really believe that her own needs are valid enough for her to take care of herself. Like many codependents, Martha is so accustomed to seeing things through her partner's eyes that she has lost touch with the depth of her own needs and her right to say no and set appropriate boundaries.
 Continued on Page Three
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