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Avoidant Personality Styles:
Hiding from What You Need the Most
by Paul A. Johns, M.A., MFT
I 'm sorry, I must be going," Dave muttered after only being at the party for a half hour. His hesitant excitement had quickly turned to anxiety when all he could think about was whether he had worn the right clothes, why more people had not said hi, and who he would play games with that evening. As he felt himself becoming more and more nervous, Dave was sure that all eyes were upon him. Leaving seemed like his only option.
From across the room, Julie, the party hostess, saw Dave looking upset as he left. "Why is he leaving so soon?" she asked her husband, Steve. Seeing the distressed look on her face and sensing the fear behind Julie's question, Steve answered, "I don't know, but I'm sure it's nothing you did."
Julie wasn't convinced. She thought it must have been something she had forgotten or the fact that she had not greeted Dave. She became concerned at what she perceived was a derogatory tone in Steve's voice. Concluding that Steve really did think the party wasn't much fun, Julie spent much of the evening in the kitchen complaining of a headache. Confused by Dave's early departure and frustrated by Julie's all-too-typical reaction, Steve simply shrugged his shoulders and began mingling with the guests.
Have you known someone who consistently acted in extreme ways like Julie? Have you come in contact with people who go to social events or strike up conversations, only to seem nervous, walk away quickly or act like they would rather be some other place? Or have you often had these reactions around people yourself? What you may have noticed or experienced could be the struggles of someone with an avoidant personality style.
The Avoidant Personality Style
But don't most of us experience some anxiety in relationships? Haven't we all had some reservations or fears about certain people or social situations similar to those of our partygoer Dave? Yes, but our fears didn't result in the profound social inhibitions and severe feelings of inadequacy that haunted Dave.
 You are convinced they are
thinking critical thoughts about you,
or that you have done something
socially inappropriate or awkward.
Try for a moment to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is extremely ill at ease in social contacts. Imagine waking up in the morning and working hard to muster up the small amount of optimism that is buried beneath your social anxiety. But when you finally do come to a situation when you interact with people, it happens again. You are convinced they are thinking critical thoughts about you, or that you have done something socially inappropriate or awkward. You are certain that you do not belong there. Maybe it's true, you think to yourself. You don't have what it takes to be accepted or liked by other people.
To make matters worse, the ways you behave to avoid being rejected and criticized actually elicit the very responses from others that seem to validate your worst fears.You shrink back within yourself, unsure of whom to blame—yourself or the seemingly critical, rejecting, or condemning people with whom you come into contact every day. After awhile, this pattern pervades your life. You long to feel socially acceptable and experience friendship and intimacy, but the painful self-consciousness you feel in the presence of others makes it easier to merely avoid them. You may be unwilling to get involved with people unless you are certain they will like you. And you approach potentially intimate relationships with restraint or a deep fear of being shamed or ridiculed. Inhibited by feelings of inadequacy or of not measuring up, you are preoccupied with thoughts of criticism or rejection.
Some people struggling with an avoidant personality style clearly display their social anxiety and emotional anguish and simply withdraw. Others mask their fears. They may even let you into what seems to be a close friendship (or even a committed relationship like marriage) as long as you pass a stringent, initial loyalty and acceptance test. But when you inevitably break their unrealistic guidelines for a safe relationship, your avoidant friend erupts in disdainful contempt or withdraws in hurt and anger.
Other avoidant personalities try to cope with painful feelings of rejection by clinging rigidly to some belief or ideal. They try to find the sense of security or worth that is lacking in their relationships by obsessively propounding and defending some particular philosophical, political, or religious perspective.
Still other avoidant personalities develop rigid and intense family loyalties. Even though their fear of relationships may have initially developed because of rejection, ridicule, or conditional love within their family, they maintain the fantasy that eventually they will be accepted and approved by their family members. But the picture they hold of their family is usually more of a wish than a reality. A deep sense of caring with emotional and spiritual sensitivity is not there. In its place are superficial loyalties or outward appearances of togetherness.
 Continued on Page Two
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