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The Emotionally Healthy Family
by Dr. Clyde M. Narramore
S everal years ago while serving on the Attorney General's Task Force to study family violence, I had an interesting experience. Nine of us, representing various professions, had been traveling across the nation conducting hearings on family violence.
Day after day and month after month, victims had given testimonies about the home conditions in which they were raised. In nearly every instance, these men and women traced their unhappy lives back to their childhood. Some had come from wealthy families; some from poor families. But they nearly all had one thing in common: the emotional environment of their homes had been extremely unhealthy.
One morning during a break the lady sitting next to me turned and asked, "What is an emotionally healthy family? As a psychologist, how would you describe a family that is emotionally healthy?"
We talked about this for awhile, and since that time I have concentrated much of my speaking and writing on "The Emotionally Healthy Family."
The importance of such a home is, of course, obvious. If a child grows up in a home where good, happy feelings are developed day after day, he will eventually become an adult who is well-adjusted and who reflects those happy childhood years.
The family which is healthy emotionally is more than a group of people who simply live together. When I say, for example, that the Smith family is healthy, I'm not referring to the fact that each member is free from disease. I mean that each person, young and old, is enjoying life and becoming the person God intends him or her to be.
What are the characteristics of an emotionally healthy family? What goes on inside a home in which each person is living and developing in a healthy manner?
Developing Respect
In an emotionally healthy family, both parents and children develop respect for each other. Husbands and wives treat each other with kindness and love, giving their children an example to follow.
To communicate respect to children, parents need to listen to them carefully and not interrupt when they are speaking. Not only does interrupting children frustrate children, but it also sends the message that they are not significant persons. Parents need to ask children for their suggestions. When they see their parents following through on some of those suggestions, they feel valuable as persons.
Another way for parents to show children respect is to encourage them to make their own decisions whenever possible. By being allowed to make some decisions, they learn that parents trust them and their judgment. This builds self-respect.
It is so important in building respect to be courteous to children. If a parent says, "Thank you," "May I?" and "Please" to children, they in turn will start using these phrases with others. Respect begets respect.
A child needs to hear positive comments about himself each day. We cause a child to be disrespectful when we continually tease or downgrade him. He begins to feel inadequate and inferior.
 A child's school drawing is
just as important to him as a big
business deal is to a parent.
For example, when the Shaw family sit down for their evening meal, Mr. Shaw often is unduly pressuring and critical of his son, Jimmy. "Why aren't you eating your broccoli?" he may say.
"'Cuz I don't like it," Jimmy answers.
"I don't care if you don't like it, clean up your plate. Eat every bite of it!" Mr. Shaw answers harshly.
Jimmy puts a little bit in his mouth, makes a face, then looks at his Dad.
"You heard me!" his Dad goes on, "hurry up and eat every bite. Why can't you be like your brother? He doesn't act like that!"
Then Jimmy begins to cry as he tries to swallow food that is new and distasteful to him.
How much better it would have been if Mr. Shaw would have encouraged his son to try something new, and then if he still didn't like it, to be understanding about the fact that people have different tastes, and that something he did like could be substituted until the child developed a taste for broccoli. If he would have been understanding and kind, rather than harsh, unbending and critical in his negative comparison, his son would have been more likely to develop a liking for the new food as well as good feelings about himself and his father.
Another way to build respect in children is to take an interest in their activities. A child's school drawing is just as important to him as a big business deal is to a parent.
Admitting to our weaknesses and mistakes helps children continue respecting themselves when they make errors. Sometimes a parent acts as though he never makes a mistake. Since children know they make mistakes, comparing themselves to a perfect-looking parent undercuts their sense of self-esteem and self-respect.
Discovering and Developing Talents
Every time a baby is conceived, God puts inside that life a unique set of talents and abilities, and the home is where each person's talents need to be discovered, recognized, and developed. This is another exciting and joyful part of healthy family living! The family becomes stronger and benefits from having each individual developing and using his or her abilities.
This principle applies not only to the children, but also to parents. Each family member needs to encourage the mother in her interests and talents, and do the same for the father. This is because parents need to continue growing, developing and using their talents throughout their lives. Brothers and sisters also need to learn to encourage one another in the development and use of their talents.
Parents need to discover the talents God has given each son and daughter and start looking for these interests at an early age. Although children change their interests from time to time while they are growing up, several talents usually persist through the childhood years, the teen years, and the adult years.
In a healthy family, parents do all they can to help each child discover his natural abilities and use them in leisure time and in hobbies. Jimmy, for example, started showing an interest in photography around the age of nine. His parents encouraged him to read books and magazines on the subject. They bought him a simple camera so that he could take photographs, and they encouraged him in his picture taking. Jimmy really enjoyed this hobby and benefited from his parents' support. He felt good about himself. Years later, as an adult he used his photography skills. But most importantly, this helped him to develop happy, healthy feelings about himself.
 Continued on Page Two
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