Violence and Abuse in the Home
Page Three
More Today?
I'm often asked if there is more violence today than in years past. This question has a three-part answer.
1. First, more violence is being reported today than in former years. In the past, people seldom reported it. They were embarrassed if they were victims, and ashamed if they were causing it. So "mum" was the word.
2. Second, there were many husbands and fathers who felt they had a right to do anything they wished with their wives and children. They essentially believed they "owned" their families and could do anything they wanted. Many women bought into this fallacious claim and suffered in silence. Fortunately, most women today know better. They either refuse to allow abuse in their families, or they report it. Unfortunately, however, many still lack the courage to stand up to their abusers In fact they may become co-dependent.
3. Third, in spite of increased sensitivity to the problem, violence is still rampant.
A discussion of the increase in violence would not be complete without noting the Bible's clear teaching that "in the last days perilous times will come," and this includes families being in turmoil. "Men will be lovers of themselves ... without self-control, brutal, despisers of good ... rather than lovers of God" (II Timothy 3:1-3). We are in these last days now. And lawlessness and violence will certainly continue.
Understanding the Abusive Personality
To the casual observer there may be no evidences that a person is violent and abusive. But when you study a number of such people, several personality traits become evident. Following are common personality features:
1. Surprisingly, some abusive men and women are not even aware of their criminal activities. To them it's a way of life, and there's nothing strange about it. This is especially true of those who have been raised in abusive homes. It may also be true of those who have a high level of anger. For example, one pastor who was quite abusive to both his family and his church, often said in his sermons, "Don't blame me if I get angry with you; I'm just from Boston!" When such a perpetrator is confronted, he may be surprised, thinking that his behavior is justified.
 Many abusers prefer isolation.
They don't want to be seen and
scrutinized by other people.
2. Many abusers prefer isolation. They don't want to be seen and scrutinized by other people. They may choose to live in an area where there are not many people around to know them well. Or they may require their family to be isolated and to limit their contacts with the community. In short, they want to hide themselves, their victims, and their deeds. Religious cult leaders try to do this by completely shutting their followers off from outside input. That gives them more complete power over their victims.
3. Many people who are abusive have pleasant public personalities. People at church, for example, may think that "Mr. Smith" is such a nice guy. People at the post office or supermarket may enjoy his smiles and sense of humor. In fact, when his wife whom he has abused for so long, shares any information about his abusive behavior, her friends may think that it's not possibly true. Little do they know what he's really like as he abuses his children or is violent toward his wife.
4. Most abusers are periodically repentant. A man, for example, after beating his wife may tell her that he's terribly sorry and that he'll never do it again. This periodic repentance may prevent her from telling anyone—especially authorities such as the police. So he continues to abuse, and she continues to cover up for him.
5. The perpetrator of violence and abuse is usually controlling and angry. He thinks that his wife is his "property," and that he has the right to do anything he wants to with his children. He thinks he can whip them all he wishes, and he may even quote bits of Bible verses in an effort to substantiate his right to abuse.
These, then, are some of the more frequent personality traits of men and women who are violent and who abuse others.
Causes of Abuse
What are the conditions that produce abusive behavior? And what is wrong with people who abuse others? Here are some of the more common causes and dynamics:
 Continued on Page Four
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