Understanding & Preventing Teenage Delinquency
Page Three
Because we are less loving than Christ, however, we humans are always susceptible to ignoring others when we see something we want for ourselves. Conduct-disordered adolescents have a huge capacity to ignore the hurt their actions bring to others.
But don't be misled. When psychologists talk about empathy, we are not talking about an adolescent's ability to be outwardly friendly—or even very engaging! Many delinquents have a terrific ability to appear caring, sensitive and remorseful. But under the surface they don't care deeply for others. Their love is manipulative and aimed at satisfying their own needs. Yet, if the truth were known, they don't care much for themselves either. For true self-acceptance includes the ability to forgo selfishness and love one's neighbor as oneself. In contrast, conduct-disordered adolescents are insecure and focused almost entirely on themselves and their own immediate gratification. They are friendly in order to get people to give them what they want.
Healthy Guilt
The other psychological resource that drastically affects the development of Conduct Disorder grows out of a child's capacity for love and empathy. It is the guilt that children experience following a transgression or a violation of a rule. Guilt is the feeling that comes when we violate a norm or when we hurt or violate another person. The emotional discomfort, tension, and unpleasantness that make up feelings of guilt decrease the likelihood that we will commit that violation again.
Spiritually and emotionally healthy people feel bad when they hurt others. Even if our violation was temporarily enjoyable (as in striking back verbally when we have been attacked), our negative experience of guilt "outweighs" the enjoyment of committing the act, so we choose not to repeat the act.
 Positive guilt feelings, or godly sorrow,
are what Christians experience when
we see our sinfulness and failures.
This type of constructive guilt grows out of love and concern for others. It helps children become more socially sensitive and aware of the rights, needs and feelings of others as they are growing up. It is a deterrent to unacceptable behavior.
This constructive guilt differs radically from the angry self-hatred and self-condemnation of neurotic guilt. Positive guilt feelings, or godly sorrow, are what Christians experience when we see our sinfulness and failures. As the Holy Spirit brings our sins and failures to our awareness, we respond with feelings of concern, sorrow or remorse. We want to be different sometimes because we care for the other person and because we care about God, not because we have been caught! These positive guilt feelings help us grow into God's likeness.
In contrast, destructive guilt feelings are rooted in self-contempt. Sometimes the result is that we feel guilty when we really haven't done anything wrong. The child who feels guilty over receiving a "C" on a test, even though he studied hard, is a good example of this. Those times when we hate ourselves disproportionately for something we have done wrong, we really aren't feeling bad out of our concern for others. We are simply mad at ourselves for falling short of our own glorified image of ourselves! Healthy guilt feelings are just the opposite. They indicate a person who is comfortable enough with him or herself to focus on the other person and on God Himself, and are expressions of loving concern.
In this way, empathy and constructive guilt feelings work together in preventing delinquency. Empathy is the building block of helpful guilt feelings. It means caring for others. Constructive guilt is a reminder that we have failed to act lovingly. Taken together, empathy and constructive guilt help us tune into the needs and feelings of others and motivate us to live by the laws that are created for others' welfare—as well as our own.
Steering Children Away From Delinquency
The absolutely crucial foundation for rearing a responsible, loving, morally mature child is for the parent to be loving and available to the child at every stage of his or her development.
Every child is created in the image of a loving, sensitive God who is moved by our needs and our spiritual and emotional state. We are "wired" from birth to be able to respond to the love and empathy of others. But while we are "wired" to develop sensitivity to others, we must have certain childhood experiences that allow this capacity to mature and to teach us to make good moral choices.
But it is not enough to simply love
our children. We also need to be
consistently emotionally connected
with our sons and daughters.
We initially learn to love and to care in the first few years of life. While television, videos, books and peers can play a role, parents and other caregivers are the primary models of loving social interaction for their children. But it is not enough to simply love our children. We also need to be consistently emotionally connected with our sons and daughters. As God deals with us, we too need to be "touched with the feelings of our children's infirmities." We are to love our children as we have been loved by God (John 13:34).
Every time we lovingly respond to our infants or young children's hunger, hurt or sadness, they experience love in action. Being the recipient of our love helps them build their love for others. Without this core caring, children have difficulty developing morally. They may act morally because they fear being caught and punished, or because it is socially acceptable. But it will take outside intervention and much help from God if they are to care for others out of a truly loving motive. The Bible speaks to all of us, regardless of our background, when it says, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Loving acts flow out of a loving inner life.
In the economic and social pressures of our times, many parents leave their children to supervision that is inadequate or nonexistent. Children are left home alone or are parented by an older brother and sister, who themselves are not mature and loving, and who are probably still unable to discern between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Poorly supervised and cared-for children are less likely to internalize appropriate values, morals, and rules, and are less likely to have the experiences needed to fully develop empathy and constructive feelings of guilt.
Discipline That Works
A vital key to raising children with a capacity for empathy and constructive guilt is the type of discipline they receive. Discipline could be viewed as the "glue" which helps make all of this work.
 Continued on Page Four
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