Building Biblical Self-Esteem
Page Two
A few months ago, I visited a university professor who had done extensive research in a specific area of psychotherapy. I had done considerable reading on the subject but he was the expert. Expecting him to expound on his ideas, I was surprised to hear him asking me questions. When I responded, he seemed interested and asked more. To me, he was a great scholar. Yet he acted with humility. He was confident and pleased with his work, but anxious to learn more and dialogue as equals. He accepted himself so fully that he was free enough to be involved in someone else's thinking. He had a realistic self-assessment.
 Conceit or pride is thinking we are
better than others or that we are
self-sufficient and don't need God.
In contrast, a false humility-as when people tell you that they are not good at their jobs at all, when they are actually very proficient-is not humility but another manifestation of low self-esteem. Yet I have heard Bible teachers say such things as, "If you don't think much of yourself, God is more free to help you." On the contrary, people who have a realistic self-image are more likely to be free and strong enough to trust God and relate easily to others.
Conceit, too, is often misunderstood, particularly among Christians. The Psalms say that God hates a proud heart above all. Psalm 131:1 discusses pride: "Lord, I am not proud and haughty ... I don't pretend to 'know it all.'" Conceit or pride is thinking we are better than others or that we are self-sufficient and don't need God. Conceit often reflects an unconsciously low self-image. The teacher who says to his or her class, "I'm the best teacher you could have," is really saying, "I hope I'm OK." He or she is trying to convince him- or herself and the class that he or she is at least adequate as a teacher. Such people brag, hoping above all that they will eventually believe themselves. But if we are sure we are OK, we don't have to tell everyone about it. In fact we probably won't even have to think about it! A positive self-concept or accurate view of ourselves frees us from pride and enables us to be genuinely humble.
What Makes Up a Good Self-Image?
There are four central ingredients in our self-image: (1) a sense of worth; (2) love; (3) confidence; and (4) security. The first of these, a sense of dignity or worth, is the basic attitude about our significance or value. If we are aware of our worth, we are on the road to a strong inner sense of identity. We believe we are valuable and that we have a right to live. Without a sense of worth, we become discouraged or depressed and fall prey to feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and condemnation.
If we are to be happy and go through
life with a minimum of problems, we
need an assurance that we are loved
and accepted and that we belong.
The second ingredient in our self-concept is the feeling of being loved. Perhaps more than any other, this is the central ingredient of a positive attitude about ourselves. If we are to be happy and go through life with a minimum of problems, we need an assurance that we are loved and accepted and that we belong. When we feel loved we have a deep abiding resource that emboldens us in relationships, our work and all of life. When this is lacking, we feel alone, isolated, and depressed.
A third ingredient in our self-concept is an attitude of confidence. Confidence, which implies a basic level of trust in our own abilities and a sense of inner strength, is the quality that enables us to reach out and try new tasks or tackle new challenges. It is the opposite of inferiority. When confidence is lacking, we feel tense, anxious, frightened, or insecure.
Closely tied to a feeling of confidence is our need for a feeling of security. Whereas confidence is more of an internal matter ("I can do it!"), security is more external ("Others can be trusted" or "The world is safe"). Security relates to our environment and our relationship to it. It reflects our assurance that the world "out there" is sufficiently safe and ultimate harm will not come upon us. This doesn't mean that the world is always a beautiful place or that everyone can be trusted. But it means that we have had sufficient positive experiences with others to know that we do have friends we can depend on, that the whole world isn't bad, and that we don't need to live in constant fear of starvation, physical disaster, or some other impending doom. People without a sense of security are constantly worrying about these and other potential tragedies and are unable to feel comfortable and relaxed.
In their simplicity, children sometimes illustrate profound adult truth. Four-year-old Suzanne came to me a day before her scheduled surgery. Expecting her to be frightened, I entered more cautiously than usual into the counseling session. When I had first met her, Suzanne was a very shy, insecure little girl who didn't like herself at all. Even now she needed much approval. I was surprised, therefore, when she seemed so bright and happy. After a few moments, she smiled at me and said: "I'm fine. My Mommy and Daddy prayed with me last night." Human beings that cared, combined with a God who was all-powerful and concerned, were what this child needed on a bad day to make her feel secure.
In contrast, a brief incident pointed out to me how little trust some people have in others or themselves. A man on a plane turned to me and said, "Maybe a divine providence brought us together for this limited time. I need to talk, but I'm afraid to trust. But I'll never see you again, so it's safe!"
The Effect of Childhood on the Adult Self-Image
A newborn infant lying in his crib isn't equipped with instant self-esteem. He doesn't open his eyes, smile, and good-naturedly say, "Good morning, world. Here I am. I like myself and I like you. Let's get this show on the road." In fact, he doesn't even know he exists as a separate person. He does experience heat and cold, hunger and thirst, pain and pleasure, loud and soft noises, and other basic physical sensations, but at this point in his development he has no concept of himself as a distinct person. He does not even know that his mother is another distinct individual. He has neither a physical nor an emotional self-image. He is simply a bundle of possibilities waiting for his innate potential and the influence of his environment to build him into a distinctive individual. And he is about to begin a journey that will shape his entire attitude toward himself. The way he makes this journey, and the help he gets along the way, will determine the essential make-up of his self-concept.
When parents and other caregivers are
positive, sensitive, and loving, we pick up
a sense of worth, confidence, and esteem.
Our self-concept gets started early—as soon as we are born. Parents handle us in certain ways. They take care of us or perhaps neglect us. They let us cry or they respond to our calls for help. Even from our first days we are sensing how the people around us are thinking and feeling about us. When parents and other caregivers are positive, sensitive, and loving, we pick up a sense of worth, confidence, and esteem. But if they are insensitive or unknowingly attack our developing sense of self-worth, this instills deep feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
 Continued on Page Three
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