Boomerang Children
Page Two
Although these live-at-home adults may try to convince themselves or others that they could "leave if they wanted," their confident-sounding affirmations may be mere illusions designed to hide their fears of failing or stepping out on their own. Letting this type of young adult continue living at home for long can do more harm than good.
The third group of live-at-home young adults comprise the "boomerang kids."1 These young adults have left the nest, started out on their own, and then encountered setbacks that drove them back to the safety of home. Broken marriage is the most common stressor that creates this dilemma. Each year, nearly half a million young people between twenty and twenty-four are divorced, and many of them return to Mom and Dad in their time of crisis. Other young adults face the sudden loss of a job or serious accidents or illnesses. A year or two earlier, these young adults were coping nicely with adulthood. They hadn't given a thought to coming home. But suddenly they are no longer able to cope and have no place else to turn. Boomerang kids present unique problems since they have been used to functioning on their own for awhile-and may even return with a grandchild or two! We will have more to say about them later.
 Instead of using their extended stay as a
launching pad into adulthood, they use it
to prolong their adolescent dependencies.
The final group of live-at-home young adults might be called the "marginally functional" or "borderline" young adult. These young men and women have serious psychological problems and are not able to cope in the adult world. Some of these young people are schizophrenic; some have had psychotic episodes while in the military and never fully recovered; others have abused drugs so long they cannot function well in society; and others suffer a variety of serious social and emotional disorders. These young adults pose the most difficult situations because they really cannot cope on their own.
The Borderline Young Adult
Twenty-year-old Cindy ran away from home during her senior year of high school. After spending three years on the streets of Los Angeles, she ended up back on her parents' doorstep-a broken and disturbed girl. Cindy had been through drugs, prostitution, and everything imaginable. Severely depressed, in poor health, and with a vacant stare in her eyes, Cindy was a shell of a person.
Twenty-four-year-old Gerald had been an adequate student in high school but never fit in socially. His ideas were a little "off the wall" and he spent most of his time reading or taking care of his pets. He started college at a local university but dropped out and returned home after two years because he felt out of place and couldn't concentrate. His parents assumed Gerald would settle down, "grow out of it," and either go back to college or get a job. But several years later, Gerald was still living at home reading, listening to music in his room, and occasionally wandering around town. By now his parents realized Gerald had some serious problems and took him to a psychiatrist.
Borderline adults do not have the ability to
function normally in society. If you push them
out of the house, they will end up on skid row,
in a mental hospital, or on the streets.
Due to their severe emotional problems, there is no way Gerald and Cindy can face life on their own at this time. Although neither of them will necessarily have to be confined for long-term institutional care, they both need extended professional help if they are ever to function in society.
If you have an adult child like Gerald or Cindy, don't try to apply the principles in this booklet in the hope that he or she will soon be able to make it on his or her own.
Normal young adults can be nudged into adulthood by sensitive parents who are willing to encourage them and set some limits. Borderline adults do not have the ability to function normally in society and need immediate professional help. If you push them out of the house, they will end up on skid row, in a mental hospital, or on the streets.
Seek out a treatment facility that provides both medical care and long-term psychotherapy. They may need a period of psychiatric hospitalization. Only in the context of this kind of quality professional care will you be able to find out just what resources your child has and what the future holds.
Arranging an Extended Stay
Fortunately, few parents have to struggle with the chronically severe problems of a marginally functional young adult. For most of us, the questions revolve around how to get along with normal or boomerang young adults who want to live at home for a brief (or extended!) period of time.
Here are some things to consider in making decisions about whether your young adults should still be living at home and, if they do, some guidelines that can make life a lot easier for all concerned.
Since young adults want to stay home for different reasons you will always need to consider whether staying at home will be best for your specific son or daughter. Young adults have different personalities and needs. The Apostle Paul told members of the church at Thessalonica that they should "warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, and be patient with everyone."2 Unruly or idle young adults need to be warned and not protected from the consequences of their actions. Reserved, fainthearted, or timid young adults need to be encouraged so they can gain confidence to move out on their own. And the truly weak, those who really cannot cope by themselves, need extra support.
If you don't talk about it, most young
adults will assume they can stay at home
indefinitely, and often without sharing the
responsibilities of running the household.
Suppose your high school son indicates he doesn't plan to go to college. He says he will look for a job after he graduates and just "hang around town for awhile and see what happens." Or suppose your daughter plans to take a course or two at a local college, live at home, and look for a part-time job. Should you accept that, say nothing, and hope for the best? Or should you immediately announce that their days at home are numbered? Like one couple I know, would you, without warning, inform your recent high school graduate you are selling your four-bedroom home and moving into a condo and that he will need to find a place of his own? Hopefully not! But you do need to talk a few things over.
Most of the frustrations reported by parents of live-in young adults stem from failure to establish clear guidelines early in the process. If you don't talk about it, most young adults will assume they can stay at home indefinitely, and often without sharing the responsibilities of running the household! Worse yet, many late adolescents assume they can come in whenever they please, play their music as loud as they want, and keep the house in any condition they like. Then when their parents start complaining about loud music and messy rooms, they get furious. This sets a vicious cycle in motion.
- The young adult children fail to live up to their parents' unspoken (or unenforced) expectations.
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The parents respond by complaining, nagging, or threatening.
- The adult children accuse parents of "treating me like a child."
- Both parents and children become increasingly frustrated until someone explodes.
- Someone withdraws or vows to do better, but the cycle soon repeats again.
By the time your children graduate from high school, you have probably already had a number of conversations about their future. You will know if they plan to go to college, work, marry, or join the military. But you may still need to have a couple of deliberate discussions to make sure you thoroughly understand
 Continued on Page Three
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