Why Love Is Not Enough
Page Three
Loving versus Showing Love
Our children's feelings of loneliness and isolation usually come from one of two sources. The first is the amount of time we spend with them; the second is the quality. "Quality" basically boils down to our ability to listen sympathetically to our children, to value their ideas and feelings, and to enjoy our times together. A simple but helpful formula is Understanding + Enjoyment = Feelings of Love.
 Adolescents who marry early or
engage
in pre-marital sex are frequently
looking
for a substitute for the love
they
do not experience at home.
Even the most loving of us can fall into a busy routine that unknowingly robs our family of times of real togetherness and love. Especially as our children grow older and enter their teens, we can start to go in a thousand different directions. We are chauffeuring one child to band, another to gym, and a third to an athletic event or a church activity. We have a bundle of responsibilities at work or at home, and the only time all our paths cross at once is at mealtimes or briefly on the way to church.
There is nothing inherently wrong with these activities. But somehow they have gotten out of hand and are robbing us of the single most important thing a family can provide: a deep sense of belonging and the feeling of being loved and understood. Love that is hidden in our hearts or expressed largely through what we do for others is not sufficient. If our children are genuinely going to grasp our love, we need to have some quiet times together. We must take time to listen to their thoughts, their feelings, and their experiences. Moments of quiet, complete attention do more to communicate our love than almost any other single thing. They also do more to prevent family problems and conflicts than anything I know!
If you find your family slipping into a "busy cycle," it may be helpful to sit down and make a careful evaluation of your priorities. Write out and discuss the most important things in life to you. List them in order of priority: our mates, our children, and our relationship with God are usually high on our priority lists. Then make a chart showing the way you actually spend your time. List the amount of time you spend sleeping, working, watching television, in social activities, at church, and in the car and anywhere else that is a familiar scene in your life. Then list the amount of time you spend alone with your sons and daughters on an average day. List only the times you are really together-talking, playing, or in some way sharing. Do not count time sitting in the same room reading or watching television as "Together Time"! Now compare your list of priorities with the way you actually spend your time.
If you are like most parents, you will find that the things (and people) at the top of your list of priorities are near the bottom of the chart that reflects the way you spend your time! One of the most life-changing actions your family can take is to sit down with the list and rearrange the schedule so that you can spend more time on what you really value and less on other things.
Even the most loving of us can fall into a
busy routine that unknowingly robs our family
of times of real togetherness and love.
There are naturally some practical limitations to rearranging our schedules. The family breadwinner cannot quit his job and stay home all day with the children. We need regular times of worship and fellowship with others. And there are a number of tasks like cooking, cleaning, and yard work that must be done. But most of us waste time in unessential activities. We lose time through poor planning and preparation. And we spend a lot of time in activities that, while not wrong in themselves, force us to minimize or neglect more important activities.
 Continued on Page Four
|
