Why Love Is Not Enough
Page Two
Our children need a deep awareness of their belonging. Children need to feel that they are an integral part of our families. They need to be listened to. They need to have their wishes and feelings taken into consideration. They need our time. And most of all, they need to see from our actions that they are our top priority.
When Children Feel Unloved
When I speak of children not feeling loved, I do not necessarily mean they are walking around feeling sorry for themselves, reflecting on how lonely and unloved they are, and contemplating some drastic action like suicide! The feeling of being unloved can show itself in a sense of loneliness, in the feeling of being disliked, in the feeling that one is a bother to someone else, or in simply feeling left out. And it can show itself in the feeling of not being understood. Barb, a seventeen-year-old high school senior, put it this way: "My most difficult struggle is not feeling understood. I have never had any heart-to-heart talks with my mother, and I can't discuss anything with my parents open-mindedly."
 Children need to feel that they
are an integral part of our families.
They need to be listened to.
Children who lack a deep sense of love and acceptance express this in a number of ways. Some simply give in to these feelings and become depressed. Some become constantly noisy and restless, wondering what to do. Some become smart alecks or showoffs. Some become hostile and belligerent. And some seek from other sources the love they don't feel they are getting at home.
Teen-age girls who become excessively boy-crazy and adolescents who marry early or engage in premarital sex are frequently looking for a substitute for the love they do not experience at home. One parent, reflecting on her teen-age years, told me, "My mother was a single parent and had little time to notice me or to listen. Consequently, I would do anything to be accepted, especially by my peers. It turned out that the way I could be most accepted was by giving up my virginity and becoming promiscuous. For years I was accepted mainly because I was sexy. I devoured any kind of attention, so I continued my loose sexual activity."
Another parent wrote me this note about her own adolescent search for love:
"The most difficult struggle I had as a teen-ager was not being able to communicate with my father. I wanted to be close and comfortable with him, but he was awkward about showing his love for me.
"I became boy-crazy at fourteen and realized a loved feeling from a man for my first time. From then on, I lived from one date to the next. I accepted a substitute for love-belonging to a steady-instead of learning to love.
"I have carried this vacuum into my marriage. I deeply want to be loved, but I have trouble accepting it when it's there. I keep busy and occupied to keep from getting too close because I am afraid I will be hurt again. Recently, I have realized I need to learn to love and be loved, but I don't know how to begin."
Both these women saw the deep hurt and conflicts caused by their failure to experience a deep sense of love and belonging during crucial adolescent years. Others who experience similar feelings of loneliness or rejection may respond in a different way. Boys in particular may steel themselves against intimacy, put on a front, and act as though they really don't need love! Unfortunately, this cuts them off from deep, enriching relationships and can leave them feeling sterile and empty inside. It can also make for great difficulty in marriage, especially if the partner has a strong need for love and reassurance.
 Continued on Page Three
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