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Why Love Is Not Enough
by Dr. Bruce Narramore
Several years ago I returned home from a series of meetings on the East Coast. My plane arrived in Los Angeles around 8:30 in the evening, and by the time I got my baggage to the car and drove home, it was nearly 10 o'clock. I was still on Baltimore time, however, and that made it feel more like 2:00 a.m. I was very tired and really looking forward to getting home and falling into bed.
I parked the car in the driveway, took out my briefcase and suitcase, and walked toward the house. Just as I reached for the doorknob, I heard an awful crash and one of the children crying. I opened the door, and there were Dickie and Debbie, both crying, on the floor with an overturned coffee table between them. I had had a hard day and didn't need this kind of a welcome!
 One of the most subtle traps well-meaning
parents can fall into is the assumption
that all our children need is love.
My first impulse was to yell, "What's the matter with you anyway? I just got home and you are already fighting!" I felt like telling them to "shut up, go to your rooms, and leave me alone!" It was past their bedtime anyway, and I was in no mood for this kind of hassle. Fortunately, I got my wits about me and thought, What would you tell someone else to do in this kind of a mess?
Then I realized what was going on. I had been away for a couple of days. Before that I had been extra busy at work. For nearly a week I really hadn't had any quality time with the children. They both missed me and had been racing to the door to see which one could greet me first! They were running, in other words, to get my love! But when I first saw and heard them in that pile, I certainly didn't recognize their search for love! Only when I stepped back for a moment and asked myself what was happening could I understand the source of my disturbing welcome.
As soon as I realized what was happening, I sat down on the couch and said, "Dickie, come here." With a serious look on his face Dickie came over and sat down on my lap. I said, "Son, how would you like me to take you to school tomorrow morning? We could leave a few minutes early and go to McDonald's for breakfast on the way." Immediately Dickie brightened up. "Oh boy!" he exclaimed as he jumped up and headed on his way.
Then I called for Debbie. "Climb up here on my lap, Honey," I said. And she did. How about on Friday morning you and I go out for breakfast? Would you like to go to McDonald's, or would you rather go to Sambo's?" "Sambo's," Debbie immediately replied, since Dickie had chosen to go to McDonald's! And she was on her way!
Then I looked across the room and saw my wife with a threatening look in her eyes. "Honey," I said, "come sit on my lap!" And then I asked her if she would like to go out to dinner the next evening!
After a few more minutes of family time, we put the children to bed and had our peace and quiet. The whole thing didn't take five minutes, and the atmosphere in our house went from complete chaos to tranquility. All it took was the time to think, Why are my children misbehaving? And as soon as that was realized, I could do a little something that took care of their needs. I share this little incident to make a very important point: love is not enough.
Feeling Loved versus Being Loved
One of the most subtle traps well-meaning parents can fall into is the assumption that all our children need is love. We read that "love covers a multitude of sins," and we assume that if we love our children, everything will eventually turn out fine. But psychologists' offices are filled with people whose parents loved them. For some reason, the parents' love didn't get through. There was a gap between the parents' love for their children and their ability to communicate it. It is not enough to love our children. We must not be satisfied until we learn to communicate our love in ways they can understand and accept.
We must not be satisfied until we learn
to communicate our love in ways
they can understand and accept.
I suppose all parents love their children. Even parents with serious problems and strong resentments harbor at least some positive emotions for their children. And because most of us love our children deeply, we assume they know how much we love them. In fact, we often assume it is our children's responsibility to know how much we love them. We brought them into the world and provided all their physical needs. We cook and clean and work to support them. And we love them. So we naturally assume they know we love them. Our love is so obvious to us that, as one father put it, "Only a fool could miss it!" But unfortunately, this is not the case. There is frequently a big gap between our love for our children and our ability to express it in ways that our children can understand. It is one thing to love our children; it is quite another for them to feel our love daily.
 Continued on Page Two
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