A Pre-Marriage Checklist
Page Three
After several children were born and after many frustrating experiences, Greg did attempt to further his education, but he just wasn't motivated. Unfortunately, it wasn't simply Greg's lack of a formal education that frustrated Jean. She found that Greg wasn't interested in most of life. He didn't care about getting ahead at work.
 In many ways, life is the best teacher.
Just be sure that both you and your
prospective mate are willing to be taught!
He didn't want to be involved in church. He didn't care about politics. And he didn't want to spend time with mutual friends. When he wasn't at work he just sat around, watched TV, or slept. That wasn't at all the way Jean had planned to spend her married life. There are all too many marriages where unhappiness and divorce become the unfortunate fruits of an inadequate motivation to grow and learn.
5. Vocation
How would you feel about spending the rest of your life with a young idealist not interested in accumulating any material things, including a home to live in? Jim is content surfing the net, listening to music, and working part-time at a local business. His relaxed lifestyle initially appealed to Christine, and so did Jim. He wasn't driven and overly invested in his work like her dad had been while she was growing up. However, after they had been married a few years, Christine began to mature while Jim remained content as he was. They became more and more incompatible, and eventually both wished they'd never married.
Consider how many ways your job will impact your marriage:
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Your job, and your spouse's job will occupy about one-third of your lives. If you aren't happy there, you probably won't be happy at home either!
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Your job, and your spouse's, will determine your income, which in turn will determine the type of home and neighborhood you live in, your choice of vacations, your clothing budget, your eating-out budget, the school your children will attend, and on and on.
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If a job takes the spouse from home often or for long periods at a time, it is difficult to build intimacy, and the other spouse may have to assume more than his or her share of responsibilities.
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If employment is seasonal or irregular or paid on commission, your family finances will have to be planned accordingly.
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Stability in your family life can be impacted by your vocation. Some companies require that employees move from place to place every few years if they want to move up the corporate ladder.
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Certain occupations may place heavy social obligations upon the spouse.
These and other factors should be thought through as you consider selecting a life's mate. They do count toward happiness or unhappiness. Anyone who says, "I'm marrying him, not his job," should spend some serious time reflecting on the ramifications of one's vocation. In a real sense, you do marry your mate's daily work—and your own!
And what about two career marriages? Have you talked through the implications of a two-career marriage on your free time, your time together, your children, your roles at work and home, and your level of family stress and pressure? Two career marriages may work beautifully, but it's important to think through the implications as thoroughly as possible ahead of time.
Your job and your spouse's job will
occupy about one-third of your lives.
If you aren't happy there, you probably
won't be happy at home either!
And what about this situation? As a young woman, you have vocational aspirations. But your prospective husband wants to marry a wife and homemaker. Would it be wise for you to give up your vocational goals? Can he guarantee that he will always be around to provide for his "homemaker"? Unfortunately, he cannot. Plus, you may want the emotional satisfaction of a career or the security of a credential.
Mary's problem was different. One of five children in a home where there was never enough income, she had decided she would be a working wife and earn enough money for some conveniences. But as time went on, she began to wish her husband would increase his earning capacity. She wanted to spend more time at home. But she had never thought to look for such personal qualities in her boyfriend before she became his wife. Now when she brings up her desire for more money or more time at home, her husband becomes resentful and accuses her of nagging.
If you want to avoid these scenarios, discuss your vocational plans before the organist plays, "Here Comes The Bride."
6. Family Involvement
About six months before my wife and I were married, an older man, a family friend, gave me some good advice. " Clyde ," he said, "when you get married you're going to have three families." I sort of blinked, wondering what he meant. "There will be," he continued, "you and Ruth. But you'll also have Ruth's family, and, of course, your own parents and brothers and sister. All three will be important." Then he went on to say that we should try to become well acquainted with each other's families, develop good relationships, and work together as a team.
How wise he was. And how true it became. We ended up living next door to my father and mother-in-law for many years. They were incredibly helpful and supportive and poured so many wonderful things into our children's lives. And when Ruth's parents aged, we took the major responsibility for their care.
We should try to become well acquainted
with each other's families, develop good
relationships and work together as a team.
Not long ago I was counseling with a couple who were considering marriage. When I asked the prospective groom how he was relating to his prospective bride's family, he said, "I'm not marrying them. I'm just marrying Stephanie. Her folks can do whatever they please. If they don't bother us, we won't bother them."
 Continued on Page Four
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