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Developing Confidence
by psychologists Dr. Bruce Narramore
and Dr. Clyde Narramore
A few days ago, Jim, a young man in his twenties, came to my office. He was well-dressed and clearly very intelligent. But after talking with him for a few minutes, I saw that Jim had little confidence and self-assurance. He wasn't sure he was in the right vocation. He wasn't sure he had chosen the right major in college. And he wasn't sure if he should pursue his current dating relationship.
When I asked Jim if he had considered seeking counseling to get to the root of his lack of confidence, Jim replied, "Yes, but I'm not sure what I ought to do about that. Some people say I should just be more confident. Another friend told me I shouldn't need a counselor because I should just trust God." Jim didn't even have confidence to know that he should get help for his lack of confidence!
Confidence is one of the three cornerstones of each person's attitude toward themselves—their self-concept or self-esteem. The others are love—the belief that we are the kind of people that others care for, and worth—the belief that we are valuable individuals. Love is the first and most basic of all emotional needs. It is the feeling that we belong, as opposed to the belief that we are unlovable. Worth has to do with the belief that we are significant people. It has to do with believing that our opinions and feelings matter and that people value us. It is a deep-core feeling about ourselves.
 Confidence is one of the three
cornerstones of each person's
attitude toward themselves-
their self-concept or self-esteem.
Confidence is different. It has more to do with our performance. Confidence reflects our belief that we have some God-given talents and abilities which we can use as we go through life. Whereas love and worth are abiding feelings about our entire selves, we can feel confident in some areas and not in others. Confidence is essentially a sense of competence. When we lack confidence, we feel tense, anxious, and unsure of our ability to perform a task. When we lack confidence, we can either give in to our self-doubts and become passive and dependent, or we can become driven, or pushy, or power-hungry in vain attempts to mask our true feelings about ourselves.
Most people are not as hesitant and self-doubting as Jim. Their lack of confidence is limited to one or two areas and is less severe and debilitating. But all of us have some lack of confidence. And for many, deep-down feelings prevent them from being the people God would have them be. The Bible says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."1 God wants us, His own children, to be dynamic, confident people, free to use our God-given abilities and gifts.
Multiple Causes
Why do so many people lack confidence? If you could visit the offices of professionally trained psychologists and counselors and ask them this question, they would give you about the same answers. They would tell you that they have counseled scores of people who have been lacking in self-confidence and that in nearly every instance, these negative feelings have developed during the early years of life ... from the time they were born until they reached adulthood.
Let's take a closer look at some of the major causes of a lack of confidence. What experiences cause growing children to feel they are not competent people who can function independently and well in life?
Parents' Influence
Our first "voice of confidence" comes from our parents. Mothers and dads have a profound influence upon the way a child comes to feel about himself. Recently, I visited a young man and his wife who had a tiny baby. In fact, the mother brought the baby home the first day after he was born! So when Mrs. Narramore and I went to the home to see them, the little one was just a little over a day old. She was sleeping peacefully in her little bed-the picture of perfection.
Mothers and dads have a
profound influence
upon the way a child comes
to feel about himself.
After a little while, the baby was handed to my wife who lovingly held her and gently patted her little back. Next came the grandmother. She also held the little one dearly for a while. And, of course, I was next! I gently took this tiny life and held her in my arms and told her how very much we all loved her.
This child is in a loving, sensitive home. Beginning with her first day of life she has been deeply cared for. As she grows up, I'm sure that the parents will take pleasure in her first steps and her first words and each new task she masters. They will let her know that they want her to succeed and that they believe she will. They will encourage her to try new things and to develop her God-given gifts and abilities. And they will have a healthy sense of pride in her accomplishments. Her parents will give her the same love and confidence-building affirmations they are giving the brother who is a little older than she.
Regardless of world conditions and the family's social and economic status, this little girl is almost certain to grow up having healthy, happy feelings about herself. She will feel loved and significant, as well as confident. Consequently, she will have good feelings toward other people. There is a beautiful cycle here. First, she will be loved and encouraged and affirmed. Then she will feel good about herself. In turn, she will be sufficiently confident and caring to reach out to love and affirm others.
But not all children have the same experience that this tiny infant girl is having. Many books could be written about how the influence of parents bring deep, abiding feelings of confidence, or, on the other hand, feelings of not being a competent person that can perform, achieve, or master life's challenges and demands.
Tom, for example, was raised by a father who had a strongly assertive and critical disposition. He laid down the law to Tom from the time he could talk until Tom left home at the age of twenty. The father never asked him for suggestions. He didn't want them. He thought he knew how everything should be done, and that it was his job to tell his son so that he would grow up to have the same "good sense" his father had. He criticized nearly everything Tom did and could always find a better way. He argued with Tom's opinions and never encouraged him to think for himself.
 Continued on Page Two
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